A new beginning

For the next two weeks, the anxiety, fear, and pain haunted him. He would try anything to make them go away. The medications not only didn’t work, it made him feel worse. He could not sleep through the night. It was a vicious cycle that he could not break. To heal his physical and emotional pain, he knew he needed help to heal his mind and soul. The moment he made that choice, what happened next is nothing short of miracle of divine intervention. A follow up visit to the doctor’s office turn out to be the turning point. As he was describing his anguish and pain to the doctor, instead of a normal consultation, the doctor asked him if he believes in God. He shook his head with confusion. The doctor asked him if she can pray with him. He agreed. For the next five minutes, they prayed. You can call it placebo; but the result was remarkable. The fog inside his head started to clear. He could see some colors of the world again. The sun was a bit brighter. The most important thing was that he could see hope. Whenever the pain got too much, he prayed. The prayer got him through the worst of pain and anxiety. A couple of days after the doctor visit, his neighbor introduced him to the church that focuses on meditation and prayer. The message on his very first church service was almost tailor made for him. The message was not from the scripture. It was from one of the TED talks about loneliness, belonging, reaching out, and being vulnerable. When the service was about to start, it rained. The Reverend told the congregate that in many cultures including the Native Americans, rain is considered a sign of God. As the sound of the raindrops hitting the roof top, He felt the sense of peace that he hasn’t had for a long time. He knew that it was God’s way of telling him everything will be okay. All the guilt, anguish, pain, and anxiety will be washed away. It was a new beginning…

Seeking Spirituality and/or Mindfulness are the best ways to heal the mind and soul. We cannot depend on things and activities from external sources to heal us. They can only distract us for a short period of time. The true healing comes from within. We have to look inside us to find the true peace and calm. With this sense of inner peace, we can weather any kind of emotional storm with clarity and determination. The story will continue to unfold. There is no ending yet. Perhaps, the journey of self discovery and improvement never ends regardless of the outcome of this one particular relationship. There will continue to be good days and bad days; but I know everything will be okay. I will continue to share with you the practice and journey of spirituality and mindfulness. I will share my stories, insights, and experiences here as well. I hope the information has some value to you. Together, we can change the way and the idea about how we deal with emotional pain without the feeling of judgement and shame. We are all in this together.

Getting worse

The life seemed to be back to “normal” for the next few months. The pain didn’t really go away. Secretly, he was suffering through it alone; afraid to tell anyone because he was scared of the judgements from others. What will others think of him? a failure? weak? His ego won’t allow that. He always thought of himself as a strong person who can handle anything including his emotion. Even if he wanted to talk to someone, who can he confide to? Over the years, family and work have consumed most of his time. The circle of friends gotten smaller and smaller. He always thought that all he needed was his family. He can tell his wife anything. Well, he didn’t expect this to happen. He had no choice but suppressing all his emotions and pretending everything was okay. He kept himself busy to avoid thinking too much. During the moments of quietness like in the middle of night, the negative thoughts would inevitably creep back. He would spend hours thinking through the negative outcomes and consumed by the fear, anger and resentment. How could she do this? The hatred for the other guy continued to grow. The “normal” was temporary. His suspicion came true. He found out that his wife continued to talk to the other guy. The pain felt like it would rip him apart. He was losing it. The confrontation with the wife was a blur. Wife apologized profusely and promise that won’t happen again. He wanted to know every details and wanted to know why. Once again he wanted to get to the bottom of it and to fix it. What could he fix? How could he fix it? Just when he thought that his life had reached the bottom, his body told him otherwise. Out of nowhere one day, he started to feel light headed, headache, increasing heart palpitation, blood pressure shot up, and feeling like passing out. He had no idea what that was. He thought he might be having a heart attack. To spare you the details…a few trips to the hospital later, he was diagnosed with anxiety and panic. For the next two weeks, he was struggling with daily activities and having trouble focusing on anything. The fear, paranoia, and insecurity consumed all of his energy. He was powerless to control these emotions. After a long period of suppressing the negative emotions, his subconscious mind had enough. He thought that he was finally broken beyond repair. The prescribed medications only made him feel worse. The world, his world, was crumbling down. He never felt so alone. In his desperate and darkest moment, there were hope…

I always thought that we can control our emotions. It’s part of our consciousness that can be changed at will and time will heal all. It was so far from the truth. Suppression doesn’t make the negative emotions go away. They accumulate in the dark corners of your mind. When the condition is ripe, a trigger will cause an avalanche. To make matter worse, the society places certain expectations on men. To be a strong and tough man, you have to be able to endure both physical and emotional pain alone. The act of seeking help is a sign of weakness. The truth is we cannot and should not suffer the emotional trauma alone. All it take is a mind-set shift that will change everything. The shift will open up all sorts of possibilities; but you have to willing to seek help from others. Help is everywhere. Churches, neighbors, co-workers, friends, family, support groups, doctors, mentors and even strangers will magically appear. Universe has a funny way to show you exactly what you need if you seek it. Asking for help is not a weakness. In fact, it’s a sign of courage to realize and to accept our own limitations and to seek the support and connection. The easiest thing to do is to hide. A strong man has the courage to share his vulnerabilities. If you don’t know where to turn, drop me a line. Help is only a few clicks away.

So it began

Let me tell you a story. It started a few months ago; actually, a year ago; maybe a few years ago. It didn’t really matter. What mattered was that the love of his life, so he thought, was having other thoughts. Her feelings for him has changed. He didn’t notice them at first. Guys are simple creatures, we are oblivious to the subtle changes in our life while thinking everything is perfect. Maybe it was not perfect. There were disagreements or arguments; but nothing was really out of ordinary. It was part of “normal” life. Until one day, the reality hit like a ton of bricks. In this case, the bricks started to fall with discovery of his wife’s “inappropriate” communication with her ex-boyfriend. That caused a meltdown of sort. He still thought this was just a temporary blip in their relationship. It was just talk. Nothing really happened. After the initial shock, he went into the “fix” mode. As a guy of action, there must be something he can do to fix this. He started to examine his life. Maybe their life was too ordinary. She must be looking for more excitements and adventures in her life. It was time to make life more interesting…going to concerts…shows…traveling…showing her more love and affection. Perhaps, he was not as healthy as he once were. It drove him to an exercise routing to loss a few pounds. Surely, these actions will get them back to where they were before. He wanted to look forward and get pass this as soon as possible because the alternative was unimaginable. You might ask if all that worked. In his mind, it was working. These things or activities certainly made him feeling more in control; but behind all that, he was still having that suspicious feeling his wife hasn’t stopped her communication with the other guy. He became hyper sensitive and alert about any of her behavior changes. He continued to suppress his hurt, resentment, and insecurity. On the outside, he appears to be fine; but the inside storm was brewing. He was riding an emotional roller coaster day in and day out. He didn’t know that the situation was about to get much worse…

I am sure the story sounded familiar to a lot of guys out there. Your situation might be different; but the pain is the same. By sharing this story and ongoing journey with you, I hope to provide some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in this. We are all in this together. You will get through this. It may seem impossible; but not only you will get through this, you will become a better person at the end of this journey. Don’t doubt that for a minute. I don’t have all the answers. I will also seek helps from you. At the end of day, we all need help from each other to get through this.