Getting worse

The life seemed to be back to “normal” for the next few months. The pain didn’t really go away. Secretly, he was suffering through it alone; afraid to tell anyone because he was scared of the judgements from others. What will others think of him? a failure? weak? His ego won’t allow that. He always thought of himself as a strong person who can handle anything including his emotion. Even if he wanted to talk to someone, who can he confide to? Over the years, family and work have consumed most of his time. The circle of friends gotten smaller and smaller. He always thought that all he needed was his family. He can tell his wife anything. Well, he didn’t expect this to happen. He had no choice but suppressing all his emotions and pretending everything was okay. He kept himself busy to avoid thinking too much. During the moments of quietness like in the middle of night, the negative thoughts would inevitably creep back. He would spend hours thinking through the negative outcomes and consumed by the fear, anger and resentment. How could she do this? The hatred for the other guy continued to grow. The “normal” was temporary. His suspicion came true. He found out that his wife continued to talk to the other guy. The pain felt like it would rip him apart. He was losing it. The confrontation with the wife was a blur. Wife apologized profusely and promise that won’t happen again. He wanted to know every details and wanted to know why. Once again he wanted to get to the bottom of it and to fix it. What could he fix? How could he fix it? Just when he thought that his life had reached the bottom, his body told him otherwise. Out of nowhere one day, he started to feel light headed, headache, increasing heart palpitation, blood pressure shot up, and feeling like passing out. He had no idea what that was. He thought he might be having a heart attack. To spare you the details…a few trips to the hospital later, he was diagnosed with anxiety and panic. For the next two weeks, he was struggling with daily activities and having trouble focusing on anything. The fear, paranoia, and insecurity consumed all of his energy. He was powerless to control these emotions. After a long period of suppressing the negative emotions, his subconscious mind had enough. He thought that he was finally broken beyond repair. The prescribed medications only made him feel worse. The world, his world, was crumbling down. He never felt so alone. In his desperate and darkest moment, there were hope…

I always thought that we can control our emotions. It’s part of our consciousness that can be changed at will and time will heal all. It was so far from the truth. Suppression doesn’t make the negative emotions go away. They accumulate in the dark corners of your mind. When the condition is ripe, a trigger will cause an avalanche. To make matter worse, the society places certain expectations on men. To be a strong and tough man, you have to be able to endure both physical and emotional pain alone. The act of seeking help is a sign of weakness. The truth is we cannot and should not suffer the emotional trauma alone. All it take is a mind-set shift that will change everything. The shift will open up all sorts of possibilities; but you have to willing to seek help from others. Help is everywhere. Churches, neighbors, co-workers, friends, family, support groups, doctors, mentors and even strangers will magically appear. Universe has a funny way to show you exactly what you need if you seek it. Asking for help is not a weakness. In fact, it’s a sign of courage to realize and to accept our own limitations and to seek the support and connection. The easiest thing to do is to hide. A strong man has the courage to share his vulnerabilities. If you don’t know where to turn, drop me a line. Help is only a few clicks away.



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