Tag: Happiness

What to fix in a breakup?

I was watching the rerun of “Friends” last night. The episode was about the breakup between Ross and Rachel. It started with Ross’s insecurity and ended with their breakup. I know, it was a great show and had a lot of profound life lessons. Kidding aside, what stuck out the most for me was how scared, desperate, and helpless Ross was. He was constantly asking Rachel what she was thinking as if she knows. Even if he understood that feeling, what can Ross do to improve their relationship. I didn’t really understand the Ross’s emotional portrayal the first time I watched long ago. This time around, I saw a needy and clingy guy who was erratic. I can’t help but to feel a sense of sympathy for him because I can see myself in him. Like Ross, many men going through breakups want to do everything to fix the relationship. The reality is that there is nothing a man can do to fix. There is no amount of “heart to heart” talks will change her mind. She already accumulated a list of negative opinions of this relationship for a long time. We men were just too dense to realize. By doing more to fix now, a man will only appear needy, clingy, and weak. That will push her away further. What can a man do?

It seems counter-intuitive. Instead of focusing on her and her feelings, you should be focusing on you. It’s a hard thing to do; I know. Your confidence were shaken; no words can help to ease that pain; no amount of understanding will help to calm the insecurity. This is the right time to be kind to yourself. Shifting your focus to think and to find out who you really are and what do you really believe. We are so comfortable living our life by agreeing to everything that others want. We don’t realize how damaging that can be for our sense of self and soul. It’s time to put your needs and desires first. That doesn’t mean that you will become a inconsiderate jerk all of sudden. It means that your motivations and actions come from a source of value and strength. It should feel authentic and not pretentious. It’s time to get your mojo back. To do so, you need to realize that your happiness and joy should not be depended on anyone else but you. it’s very important to read that last sentence again. You should recite that daily because it’s a process of convincing your inner self or your subconscious mind that you are in control of who you are and what you become. It’s your life’s journey. Here are a few todos as examples to get you started. You have to figure out what works for you.

  1. De-clutter and organize your life by getting rid of the stuff that no longer serves you. By doing so, you will feel empowered to make more changes in your life.
  2. You should start exercising. Exercise will not only improve your overall health, but also boost your confidence. The key is to set obtainable but challenging goals.
  3. Start daily practice of meditation. Meditation helps to calm the mind. You will see results as little as a few weeks with consistent daily practice of 10 to 20 minutes.
  4. If you are into social media, I would recommend to cut-down on the time spent on those platforms. The study showed that more time someone spends on social media has direct correlation to feeling more isolation and loneliness. It’s strange that with all the technologies of today to connect with each other, we are feeling more isolated then ever before.
  5. Instead of social media, you should start reading books from great authors about life. These books will provide valuable insight into who we are as people. You will start to see that everyone including ourselves are just human who are imperfect, joyous, sad, silly, compassionate, funny, and worthy.
  6. You should never going through this life change alone. Finding strength from friends and family who could encourage and motivate you.
  7. Seeking spiritual guidance will lighten the emotional burden. Only when you realize and believe that there are truth bigger than your life, you can rest your emotional burden with peace and calm. You will never feel alone again.

All these actions take time to see results; don’t rush the process. What you do may or may not save the current relationship. There aren’t sure things in life. You can’t control how she feels about you despite all the changes in you. That’s a bit hard to hear; but trust me in saying that it will no longer matter because with a new and improved version of you has the confidence and joy within to face any life’s challenges from all aspects of your life. You know that you are enough and you can find the true belonging in any meaningful relationship. you will no longer live for someone else but yours.

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

 

 

Is Happiness Joy?

The universal truth is that we all want to be happy; but why aren’t we? If I can get that car, I will be happy. If I find love, I will be happy. If I get that promotion, I will be happy. The problems with those statements are that we let our happiness dictate by our expectations from the external sources. When the results  meet or exceed our expectation, we are happy for a moment. Our state of happiness is depended on the results of chasing the next thing in the future. To stay happy, we will continue to chase one thing after another. The reality is that we don’t get our ways in most of the cases because most things are out of our control. The more we chase happiness the further it gets. We become frustrated and disappointed. Many will give up and thinking that happiness is just an illusion. So then, how can we possibly be happy? What is happiness that keeps fleeting away from us? To get there we need to stop the chase, to stop resist, and to redefine the very meaning of happiness. Once again, we need to change our mind-set.

Instead of chasing happiness, we should feel joyful on a daily basis. Joy comes from within that connects to our inner true self. Joy doesn’t not depend on any external stimulus. We have joy, peace, and calm within all of us. It doesn’t mean that we won’t get upset, angry, or frustrated about the things happening around us or to us. The external world is a stressful place. However, we have the innate ability to return to that joyous inner state whenever we want. Have you seen a child who was upset in one minute, then the next minute she is joyfully playing with others like nothing have ever happened. We all have that inner ability to cultivate that.

Instead of resisting and fearful of life, our joy depends on embracing all the life has to offer; both good and bad. Life will continue to happen whether you resist it or not. If you argue against life, you will lose every time. When my relationship started to crack, I resisted. I was in denial and frustrated with unfairness of it all. I became depressed and angry. I won’t let go of that resentment for a long time. I lost. The pain was accumulating until one day that send me to the hospital. The moment we stop resisting and start living, we will have better perspective and the power to adapt, adjust, and appreciate. We can face life from a position of joy within instead of anger or resentment that consumes.

Instead of focusing on the results, let’s enjoy the journey. When we fully enjoy and invest in what we do and embrace who we are, we feel joy. Again we can find inspiration from children. Children can find joy in the simplest things. They can immerse themselves with a cardboard box for hours with imagination, laughter, and focus. One of my favor quotes is “Enjoy the little things in life because one day you’ll look back and realize they were the big things.” Let’s celebrate little things in life. The moment we realize that unlimited joy is within us, it helps us to feel our heartbreaks without being broken. It helps us to overcome the hardships without being harden. It helps us to experience loss without being lost. Joy is part of who we are. It’s within us. Joy is ours. Feel it! Believe it!